Now I know why I felt funny about that book.

Not only did it make me feel lonely, but I sympathized with that girl.

I can't remember the reason why now. Isn't that convenient? I guess my mind wants to block it out. Ah, forget it.

I feel like total shit. Something else has upset my physical balance. So now my emotional, mental, and physical balances are all offline. I feel like I'm slipping through the cracks. I walk around almost like a zombie. If it wasn't for Thuan, maybe the only time I would speak would be at home. I got to keep up a good face for the 'rents, ya know. God, I never thought I would hate my life so much after high school. I'm miserable, no question to it. I don't know what to do...

*sigh*

Dazed and Confused...and kinda frustrated

I don't know what it is, but it's there.

I started reading this book, and I like it, but it makes me feel weird. It's about this girl who meets a vampire, and they fall in love. Yeah, it probably sounds corny the way I just typed it, but it's pretty good. But it makes me feel really weird, and I can't exactly pinpoint what it is that bothers me. Maybe it's the fact that mortality is so...final. You live, you die. And here she is, in love with a vampire, who lives forever. She'll grow old, and he won't. I guess maybe why I'm so filled with some unknown emotion is that the book makes me feel more alone than I have ever felt, especially recently. And every song I hear somewhere has something in common with this book, in title or lyrics. Like right now, I'm listening to Yahoo Music Launchcast, so it's just on shuffle, and the song "More Human Than Human" comes on...isn't it weird?

But I'm sure loneliness is not the only thing I'm feeling from reading this book...it's hard to pinpoint, like I've said. Maybe it's my weakness for romance recently. I read stuff that makes me want something more in my life than what I have now. I have hardly nothing right now. Where is everyone? I don't know what happened. Maybe I grew up, maybe not. Maybe they did, or not. Maybe I'm not ready to grow up and take responsibility for myself.

I know my thoughts are a little jumbled, but it's just my thought pattern. I think one thing, then it makes it think another, which can lead back to my original thought or to another, etc.

I know it's not the greatest idea to blurt out some of my thoughts on here, but I have no source of release at the moment. And sometimes it's good to just vent a little to something that technically cannot talk back and criticize you (unless comments are left by others). *sigh* Yeah, I don't know what to do or think anymore...I'm tired of growing apart from so many people...Tony hardly says shit...there's just...no one there. People are gone. I kinda wish that I never left high school. Don't get me wrong, I'm so glad to have graduated and got out of there, but I left the part of my life that I felt the most secure. I knew people there, pretty much knew what would happen on a day to day basis. Now nothing is certain. I know that nothing is ever certain but it was more certain, being there with people I was comfortable around (for the most part). Now it's almost like I'm looking through the window of someone else's life. I don't feel anything other than restlessness. Except for now. 

I could just about crawl into a hole and stay there...but there's this other part of me that is just so sad at the thought of being alone. I don't want to feel like this, but sometimes it feels like it's the only option I have. What do I have at the end of the day? Nothing but my own wretched thoughts that swirl around and around ceaselessly.

Everywhere I go I'm criticized for one thing or another. It doesn't matter what I do or say, or what it is I say that someone doesn't hear...it's just frustrating...so frustrating...and all I can think are these bad thoughts and my birthday is so near...won't that be fun...I hope I feel better at least then...well I know I will, but it won't be like 'oh my god, I'm so much better now, what was I thinking?' It'll be just under the surface, waiting to come up at some other time.

Ok, enough of this...it's not like many people even bother reading this or the entirety of it, so I'm done. Some other time I guess.

well, today was pretty awesome. i graduated, but some parts sucked, like when my dad was acting weird...he must have been nervous. but i went to derek's house for a partay. i met his maternal grandparents, met ben's mom, and basically had a good time. some things sucked too, like the whole deal with ricktard and monica. but all in all, we're done!! P-A-R-T-Y? BECAUSE I GOTTA!

<----kyle's handiwork

<---another view

he ate a whole frickin watermelon!!

<---my 4 inch bruise from the grad ceremony

Well, yesterday was pretty sweet. We had grad rehearsal and after me, kyle, ricktard, paul, tierra, and odine went to steak and shake. it was pretty sweet driving there. i got to use my lead foot more than ever. i drove kyle and ricktard. paul is a horrible driver. and i must watch when ricktard is in the car, because he can make me laugh really hard. i almost hit a parked car yesterday because he did the funniest mocking of one of our friends. but it was all good. yeah, tomorrow is graduation ceremony. i want it to be over. then i can do what-the-hell-ever i need to do.